It's a horrible life
by Cloud
Summary: Cloud's Christmas. Hey it's me!!


Disclaimer- I do not own Final Fantasy or any part thereof. I also own no part of Ray Ramano's book "Everything and a Kite" which I use a little bit out of. I only own me myself and I.

WHOA!!!!!! I'm back from the dead. No just kidding, I'll tell you why there has been such a prolonged absence since I last wrote a story. Well see my computer kinda screwed up and for some reason I couldn't get this story to load on FanFic. I know this is a Christmas story but stick with me okay people.

**__**

It's a Horrible Life

When I woke up I rolled over and looked at my clock. 7:00. Damn that's to early for me. I got up anyway because there is only 5 shopping days left before X-mas and I didn't even have a tree yet. Well uh let's see I can't go to the store until I've taken shower now can I, so I'd had better take one. Things to do in the shower

  1. Turn on hot water
  2. Burn
  3. Turn on cold water
  4. Freeze
  5. Adjust
  6. Burn again but a little less
  7. Soap up
  8. Rinse
  9. Wash Hair
  10. Lather
  11. Dry-off

Well now the only thing left was to gel. I don't know if you've ever used gel on long hair before but it's a pain. I have to lay upside down on my bed, head hanging off the end, and gel my hair up.... or down....well you get the picture.. I hope.

Shopping for a Christmas tree sucks. The first thing you have to do is find a good one. This can be a hard job if you wait till later like me... but I got lucky and got a large one out of a snowdrift. Well sort of I had to have an employee of the store help me yank it out. Getting my tree wasn't that funny so I'm just going to go on.

I don't know if you know this but buying presents is a bitch. I mean no one loves Christmas more than me but I hate shopping for presents.

Tifa- It's always hard shopping for a women... especially Tifa. To shop for a woman you must go to that department of the store. Yeah the women's clothes section, because that's where they have the jewelry even if you aren't looking at clothes. It just feels wrong being a guy and every where you look to see size 2 shirts and panties, plus if people see you in there they think your gay because why else would a guy be in a women's clothing aisle? Guys know what I'm talking about and all the women reading this will probably think I'm nuts, but it's true. Now once you get the courage to travel into the panties section you have to actually find something they will like, and that can only mean one thing.... jewelry. I suck so bad at buying jewelry that I could be sent in for a bracelet and come out with a necklace. You can't ask the people working there if you can see some pretty jewelry cuz they just look at you funny. Okay so now let's imagine you actually find a.... let's say gold bracelet. Now you have to know if it will fit her, and the only way to know is to try it on. You slip it on quick, hold it up to the light to see if it shimmers and before you can take it off the guy behind the counter is asking you to "give him some space". Don't get me wrong I have nothing against gay people, as long as they don't touch me or want to hug. So in the end I bought her that gold bracelet and just to feel manly I went and bought a fishing pole. 

Barret- Shopping for Barret is like shopping for Mr. T. I mean what do you buy for a guy who has a gun arm and always has to AX you a question? Well I was thinking Shampoo but to get it I had to go near some Maxi-pads, and with people in the store already looking at me funny I thought the better of it. He likes tools, I mean most big gruff guys like to use their hands, right? Well I went to the tool aisle and there were things I'd never heard of. I couldn't tell you the difference in the roughness of sandpaper, I mean does it really even matter how rough it is? They've got saws, and drivers, and sockets, and caulking guns.... heh heh I said caulking. Well I bought a deluxe pack of screw drivers I mean what guy doesn't need....... 30 different kinds of screwdrivers?

Red XIII- I don't know how to buy stuff for this guy. I mean he's a dog/guy/thing and I don't know whether to buy a pack of bones or some fur shine stuff... I was clueless. I saw a toy called the "KittenKaboodle" but I wasn't quite sure what it was... and I wasn't sure if I wanted to know. I thought that maybe he would like a chew toy, or something of that nature. In the end I got a rubber bouncy ball that claimed to be the bounciest thing around. So seeing if it was true I bounced it. It bounced over the shelves and into the aisle next to me. When I heard someone scream I grabbed another one and ran.

Cid- This one was easy because I knew what Cid's favorite hobby was. SMOKING. I bought the best brand of Cigars there was and headed on my way.

Sephiroth- I used to send him flaming dog crap, but he's dead now... I think.

Yuffie- She likes sharp things that can be thrown and that scared me. I thought that maybe some of that beauty stuff might make her happy. First I looked at lipstick. I saw a color called beach purple, and that's when I knew I was in over my head. I bought a reddish color and some perfume that I thought smelled good. Then I thought she might like some make-up so I bought a brand I saw someone else grab.

Cait Sith- .......................? What can I say, I'll just buy him a new stuffed Mog to ride around on.

Vincent- Ahh! My old friend, who on occasion I call to get me out of trouble..... well maybe more than an occasion or two..... well let's just say I don't make his life to happy. Well what do I get a person who's gotten me out of more binds than my therapist.... I don't have a therapist incase your wondering, it's just a figure of speech. I decided that a new gun might be in order. I picked the shiniest most expensive one I could find.

Stewart- You might be wondering who Stewart is. Stewart is my cousin, and also 2 years old. Luckily his mom gave me a list of some things not to get. 

  1. Anything with the word silly in it. Silly is a codeword meaning (doesn't come out of the carpet.)
  2. Anything with "Rapid Reload"
  3. Anything that requires "Adult Supervision" unless I'm going to be the adult.
  4. Anything that has "Some assembly required", boy if that isn't the biggest understatement in advertising. I bought a tricycle for my friend's kid once and it said some assembly required, yeah it came in a jar.

There were some toys I knew not to get just by their names.

"Airborne Ink"

"Little Wallpainter"

"Babies First Staple Gun"

In the end I just bought a stuffed animal.

In our tradition it's customary for everyone to dress up Christmasy-like and come over to my house. Tifa cooks a delicious feast and we exchange presents and whatnot. So with Christmas only a few days away I decided to hang up the lights out side my house. I went and retrieved my ladder, my lights, and started up the side of the house. 

After I had put up a few lights somewhere out of the blue, a snowball hit me. You guessed it I fell off the ladder. As I was lying there in the snow, trying not to move because I hurt so badly, I looked around. No one was in sight. Where the hell did that snowball come from? To this day I still believe the underwear gnomes did it.

I finished the house and then decorated the tree. That's when it was time to wrap the presents. If anyone knows me, then they know I suck at wrapping things. I had paper, tape, scissors, and a canteen just incase things got nasty. Well I don't know how I did it but I managed to some how get tape stuck on my right hand. As I grabbed the paper it stuck to my hand. When I tried to pull the paper off I hit the table and got tape on my back. The paper then became stuck to my back, and before you knew it I was wrapped in paper, kicking around on the floor. I looked just like a big Christmas Burrito. Luckily there was a phone I could reach.

BBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!

"Hello"

"VINCENT HELP"

"OH My God Cloud are you okay"

"Uh I'm kinda in a jam, or burrito right now." I then explained my situation to him.

"So let me get this straight, you're trapped in wrapping paper on your living room floor?"

"That seems to be the case Vince" I replied.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I'll be over in a minute."

I waited on the floor until he came. When he finally arrived all he did was stand there and laugh for 20 minutes. He finally helped me up. I was so angry I chased him outside until he reached his car and drove away, still laughing. 

It was the Christmas Eve and Tifa had just arrived.

"I'm going to start the Ham" she said, walking into the kitchen. She was always dressed like Mrs. Claus, and since it was my house, I was always the honorary Santa. I had a great idea this year, I was going to hide on the roof, until everyone was there and then I was going to slide down the chimney and surprise everyone. So I waited on top of my house until everyone had arrived. I put both feet in the chimney, took a deep breath, and jumped.

Now not being the cleaning type I had never swept my chimney, and it was full of soot. On the way down I engulfed lots of soot in the chimney and blacked-out halfway down. I'll never forget waking up on my couch to see a worried Yuffie, and Vincent beating the soot out of my lungs. I sat up on the couch and everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Vincent looked straight at me and muttered,

"You're a dumbass"

I really didn't have much to say to that except.

"Uh well........so?" Not the brightest answer if ya know what I mean.

Barret was dressed like a big reindeer, and looked funny with fake antlers sticking out of his head. Red was dressed like Rudolf and Cid was dressed like an elf. Yuffie looked like a candy-cane and Cait Sith was riding a snowman. Vincent was dressed like Santa's top elf.

"When do we eat?" asked Cid.

"Now" said Tifa bringing the Ham to the table. ( I'm going to write in play style now due to lots of dialogue)

Cloud- Good I'm starved.

Cid- So how is everyone this year.

Vincent- Had a good laugh the other day, it involved a burrito.

Cloud-Why are you looking at me?

Vincent-No reason.

Yuffie- Tifa this is good.

Tifa- Why thank you.

Cait- I love the potatoes

Barret- This is a helluva a lot of food.

Cloud- Damn skippy.

Red- Pass the Yams.

Cloud-K

Red-The tree looks nice.

Cloud-Thanks.

CRASH!!!!!!!! (Normal Style Now)

I heard the noise and jumped at it. When I ran into the living room, I saw a horizontal tree, instead of a vertical one. DAMMIT! I screamed while picking it up.

The rest of the night went smoothly, we talked and drank, and then we exchanged presents. Oh it was great until Red peed on the tree, but who could blame him he's a dog. After we had all talked awhile Yuffie suggested we watch a movie.

"How about "It's a wonderful life?" Tifa said.

"Isn't that the one with Patrick Swazy?" Barret asked.

"No that's Carry Grant" Vincent said while hitting him in the back of the head. I leaned back on the couch and finished my eggnog. Tifa offered to refill mine because she was going to get some more. I thought it was kinda funny because this was her 5th glass of eggnog. 

It wasn't until halfway through the movie that I had to go to the bathroom. When I came back out what I saw reaffirmed that no one has worse luck than me. Tifa was standing on my coffee table half-naked spinning in circles. I yelled out an "OH MY GOD" and then grabbed her and threw her in my bedroom, and locked the door. Then I noticed Vincent and Yuffie making out under the mistletoe, Cid was puking, and Cait Sith, Red, and Barret were trying to guess how far they could puke.

I ran into the kitchen pinching myself to make sure I wasn't asleep. I slumped on my kitchen counter. What the hell was going on? I looked around, left-over ham, candy, eggnog, rum, yams, sweet-potatoes.....RUM? What the hell? My god Tifa must have been putting Rum in everyone's eggnog. They were all drunk, and I had only had 2 glasses so I wasn't drunk at all. 

After a good pound of the head on the kitchen wall, I grabbed my keys and went outside. I started my car and drove.

I drove to the bridge near my house and got out of my car. I stepped to the railing. Why does everything in my life go so badly? Why does life suck? Why is there someone drowning in the river???! I jumped in the river and grabbed hold of the man. I swam near the shore and drug us up on the edge of the water.

We were sitting in my car with the heater on high when the man spoke.

Man- Cloud, hey you didn't kill yourself, yay or something to that nature.

Cloud- What the hell were you doing in the water.

Man- If you hadn't saved me you would have killed yourself.

Cloud-Really?

Man-(Brushing hair away from face) Yup.

Cloud- AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Your, Your , Your, Your,

Man- Sephiroth?

Cloud- Yeah that guy! I thought you were dead!

Sephiroth- I am you pea-brained moron, and to pay for all the bad things I've done the big guy made me your guardian angel.

Cloud-That's kinda ironic.

Sephiroth-Tell me about it.

Cloud-Man life sucks, I wish I had never been born.

Sephiroth-Done.

Cloud-Huh?

Sephiroth-Yeah, see I'm supposed to show you how things would have been without you around. Just look around.

Cloud-It's all black.

Sephiroth-Yeah technically the world isn't around anymore, due to meteor. You weren't there to stop me so everyone, and everything died.

Cloud-My GOD, even the Popsicle?

Sephiroth-Yup the Popsicle didn't make it either.

Cloud-Man, that is horrible.

Sephiroth-Tell me about it.

Cloud-But if you're an angel, where are you're wings.

Sephiroth-You're a dumbass. Don't you know that every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings?

Cloud-So your bell hasn't rung yet.

Sephiroth-Actually I have to help you then I get them.

Cloud-Oh well then what about the bell.

Sephiroth-Figure of speech.

Cloud-K

Sephiroth-So are you happy yet.

Cloud-No I'm sad, there's no such things as popcicles anymore.

Sephiroth-Hold on....not yet.....wait....wait....now, now everything's back to normal.

Cloud-Wow, I feel better, thanks... I think. How come you don't have wings yet?

Sephiroth-I don't know hold on. Hey big guy how come I don't have wings yet.

GOD-Well if you would have read the small print in the contract it states, that unless a bell rings at the exact same moment you help someone, you don't get them.

Sephiroth-Well what do I get then?

GOD-As a punishment to Cloud for almost killing himself and to you for not reading the small print I'm bringing you back to life.

Cloud&Sephiroth-HUH?

GOD-I have to go now sorry.

Sephiroth-Now I have to put up with you for the rest of my second life.

Cloud-I like potatoes.

Sephiroth-Oh brother.

Well we drove back to my house. As we walked in everyone stopped puking and looked at us.

AHHHH! They all screamed.

"What the hell?" Vincent asked.

"Actually what the heaven, don't ask, don't tell." Sephiroth said.

"So that means you two are gay?" asked Yuffie.

"NO" We both screamed. It was apparent from the smell of my house that I had some work ahead of me. I shooed everyone out, and began to clean up some puke. Sephiroth sat down on my couch.

Sep.-I wonder if football is...hey this is that Wonderful life movie, with uh that Patrick Swazy dude, I like this movie.

Cloud-Why are you still here?

Sep.-It's obvious I have to stay with you. I have nowhere to go and plus it makes for a good story.

Cloud-Huh?

Sep.-Don't ask.

Cloud-Wanna help me clean up?

Sep-Nope.

Cloud-Wanna go to the bar.

Sep-No to late.

Cloud-Wanna go to bed.

Sep.-No to early.

Cloud-Wanna play Boggle?

Sep.-K.

And so for the next 3 hours, we played boggle. We laughed, we cried, someone threw a shoe, but in the end it was worth it. Well I guess this about wrap things up doesn't it. Boy we make a pretty Odd Couple don't we, (Hint, Hint). Well anyway thanks for listening to my story so Happy Hanukah and Merry Christmas, or whatever you say. Well say goodnight Cloud.

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight Cloud."

P.S. I know it was a little confusing but it was 3 in the morning, well for most of it. So please review and don't flame me that it was confusing, I know it was and I wrote the damn thing, oh and if you don't believe in God I hope it was still funny. Thanks to everyone of my readers and family and especially to God, for whom this is all possible. And lastly thanks to the guy who invented the Popsicle. 

P.S.S.-According to FanFic's new policy I am going to be removing all of my stories. If you would like to read one that I take off, please e-mail me at cloud_strife333@hotmail.com oh and if you ask real nicely I might even give you my personal e-mail address and maybe you can read some stories I never ever posted......


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